I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
