if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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