Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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