i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
