Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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