I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
