last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
