When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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