he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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