Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Randomize
