Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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