so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
