Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
