That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
