sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
