He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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