i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
