I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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