I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
