this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have feelings that need drinking.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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