He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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