Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Send help, water and tortillas.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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