We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
