Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
