I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
