Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
