also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
sex in a hospital.. check
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
