Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
