Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I lost the right to judge tonight
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
