There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
