Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
