dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
