I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
