He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
