I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
