By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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