idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
