Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize