We won't sleep together?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
