You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
