I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
