one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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