I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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