my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I got her a Nickelback box set.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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