The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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