Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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