It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
