Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
