this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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