Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
