I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
the liver wants what the liver wants
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
