1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
