I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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